I looked over my last post, and yes, pretty grim.

Things are looking up, and down. So far this 2011 buisness has been pretty rough. I totally over did it in January, work pretty much put me over the edge, but thats partly my fault. Trying to get "it" all done before my Mom came proved pretty pointless as "it" never ends.

I lost a close family member last week, which not only sucks but double ass sucks cos Im not to close to most of my family. Im gonna write somethen about that soon, and get it out there,up here and around.

Edinburgh is actually managing to produce some semi promising weather and I can feel spring coming, Ricky would maybe even say its here. It does something for the memory to have spring come, I like to be reminded of the very first time I went down to New Oreans, at the tender age of 13 I think it might have been. The world seemed very much alive then, So its good to be reminded of that feeling. Of course Bloomington feelings are strong during this time too, I can feel a trip coming on.. I miss America and the ones in it.

Recently I changed my job descrption, I traded the bar in for the kitchen & Im feeling much better so far, lets hope that lasts. I got really tired of dealing with the public, just to point out one of my issues. I have a bunch of visible tattoos and although this is no issue for me, having to explain them to conservative British people 7 times a day isnt exactly working out for me. Colin was right when he advised me to not get my hand tattooed just yet. Thanks Buddy..
So, feeling alot more comfortable behind the scenes, I am also doing lots of other things for the job, like learning about marketing and events,stuff that I think Im pretty good at.. Its kinda like throwing a party-just on a bigger scale. Im a natural fun haver so its all pretty easy.

I have yet to come to terms with some real long term goals in the UK other than continuing to immigrate. My Mom is here and that feels totally normal, it will be more lonely when she goes. Nice to be a 3 person team..

thursday...

I LOVE 7 up!!!!

happy new year.

I feel pretty depressed after the Holiday season of 2010...It is the first year I just didn't feel like I got into it-I didn't have the time.. Nothing has really improved afterwards either.
Somehow I guess I expected to get through it without feeling like I might have to check myself in to a hospital but I was wrong.

Apart from the usual work related boredom I have a pretty intense and sincere hatred and rage for pretty much everyone I deal with these days.. My managerial skills seem to have not returned with me from my Nov/Dec trip to America. I could care less to be exact. But don't mind that,I feel better and brighter things in store within my job so I take comfort in that and will look forward to new projects.

My most recent and nerve racking annoyance is that today I finally had more than a few minutes to look at our finances and this led to phone calls..I, as an American am not on the electoral roll thing here in the good old UK which makes it very difficult to be approved for any kind of credit card or loan or anything like that. I do however have Residency and a note on my credit report that explains I'm a US citizen and cant vote ( yet) etc etc-which in theory should be enough if one was dealing with an actual person instead of a computer!

However when speaking to several different customer service people related to the various financial institutions I contacted today I was not able to get any sort of advice or even acknowledgement that they could help me apply for anything! I'm sure this does not even make sense? I guess to sum up my view for today- in my world here in the UK I don't feel like there is anyone to help me make decisions about anything. Somehow the people on the phones have never spoken to anyone in my situation, I don't know anyone in my situation and no one I know seems to know anyone in my situation. I feel so alone sometimes here its unreal, as in I cant believe this is happening to me..I would not change it though- my husband who is my best friend is here and my reason for being here, but really-is there anyone out there that can answer any number of the questions and concerns I have?? All the people I might ask questions to normally don't live here,haven't lived here and dealt with this stuff.

Do I really have to try again to join the Internet forum for Americans living in the UK? Please say it ain't so,they are so "forumy" and I am so not-I have tried,believe me!

So, Its another rare day off almost past and virtually no progress has been made towards sanity or relaxation..more tears shed and more feelings of isolation from the British public,more telephone scripts read to me from India... The doctors office doesn't even tell you when it reopens on the voicemail!!!
The snow shut everything down, Christmas and then Newyear shut everything else down yet somehow we,the little people are still expected to get to work and work through the entire Holiday season and beyond!!
It seems to be just a little bit more than I can take today, or yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
But I guess I will try again cos I cant give up yet, Ricky made peanut butter cookies and with the discovery that Betty Crocker sells vegan fudge frosting at tesco things might just be looking up?

November feelings..

Overcome with weird feelings of nostalgia and sadness...

Wanting to decorate things!

went in to a bar today,secretly scoping it out to find out the quality of the salsa i heard they had..i said to the girl behind the bar "i heard you have tortilla chips and salsa?" and she said that "yes she has nachos" i then tried to clarify that it was chips and salsa that i was after and then she f$*!£*?g sort of nodded & said"yeah nachos"!!! so this whole thing totally pissed me off-

i dont think these are the same thing at all-what the F? i ordered nachos in the next bar i went to and got NACHOS-not tortilla chips and salsa!!!!

some other totally weird shit is that i have been in contact with a salon cos i want highlights and have now dropped off a strand test to see how blonde my hair can get & i went back to check it out like they asked me too-the girl didnt know where it was! thats no biggie, she is new and pretty nice but she keeps trying to get me to get "slashes" instead of highlights! she must not be able to understand me.she keeps telling me to come in with pictures-i just want highlights!!!!!!

am i that difficult to understand?

I am the 7 1/2 floor...

I am totally in between sizes, or so it seems here in the UK. I try, and try some more to find something that fits me..mainly a good bra, shoes and "trousers" and 99% of the time it is a total disaster. I recently found myself thinking something along the lines of "I should just go to America and shop cos they make clothes to fit Americans....?" or something really dense. I bought a bra 2 weeks ago from M&S thinking I had finally found the right one, or at least one that might hold up for a little bit and in less than a week it had become something I hate, today I just gave in and put my old bra back on.

I also went to H&M today only to discover that everyone working there is a total Asshole, also that apparently plain black flared trousers and black fuzzy hats are not in season! What the hell am I going to do?

I literally do not fit into the sizes here, either way to big or WAY to tight not to mention beyond too long. I am not the worlds tallest person but I am no little person. The only jeans I got here that did not require hemming stretched so badly after being washed (and not dried) that they could not even be worn and had to be given to my husband- and that isnt the first time that has happen!

I would like SOMEONE to tell me how long they think a pair of trousers should last? How many years? How many patches? Im not exactly the worlds most crusty person but I do still repair/patch my clothing-one has to hold on to the good finds in today's current fashion crisis!

I have actually reached the point though now that I feel that I need to look a little bit more classy than I used too at work-which to be fair isnt even remotely difficult, but still fail to be able to find suitable clothing to do so in!

Overall I think the fashion is not so good in the UK, or perhaps its Edinburgh..I really dont know and I guess I really dont care..I just dont think I can bother/bore my husband with the exact same rant on all this..Thank god I didnt go in to shoes..

this time of year

It seems to be fall here in Scotland, i keep thinking that it must be like this back home but i keep getting reminded that it is hot there still. i feel like i have missed a lot this year,funerals, weddings, graduations,new babies and so on... its really getting to me at the moment.the change in the weather always makes me homesick. i am always homesick actually, it really does not take much to bring that out.

right now im wondering if i will ever feel the way i used to feel,like i belonged some place.something about it here just does not make me feel like i fit in. I'm not sure if it was the fact that i was drunk when i lived in the Czech republic or what but i don't remember feeling like this.

how long does it take to adjust anyway?

what would it be like if we went to America? would i feel OK there or have i turned into some weirdo sudo UK person?would i even be able to communicate with my close friends or has 2 1/2 years of not being close with anyone(apart from by husband-who has a very hard job might i add) damaged me? someday i hope we can go home,i love Scotland to a certain extent but i have not fallen in love with it.my husband loves it and that means a lot to me,and i love him so it makes up for it most times.im about to get a tattoo of an uprooted thistle on my arm,its supposed to be dark.i hope it is-but not in a goth way!!! its supposed to reflect my feelings of being uprooted to here,which it what it feels like,although not what it FELT like at the time..funny how that works out!on the subject of tattoos though,i have never before walked into a shop and told the receptionist what i want,im going to get a tattoo on tuesday from someone i have never met..and im a little concerned,its kinda like an episode of LA ink! i have yet to see the design and dont have time to stop by before the appointment!

well,thats the kinda stuff thats on my mind tonight!

anyways,its Saturday night..the hubs is in France and I'm at home!