Mom is here!!! She finally made it, the fundraising worked! So thankful to everyone that contributed! Some people may wonder how we can handle having Mom here for 2 1/2 months, its easy for us as she is part of our team. Most of the time its just the 2 of us in our world- which is the best thing ever, but its good to have someone else around that is on the level. So this is where the holidays begin, we will move onto birthdays after & planning for the future! Lots to do! The house feels very festive, alive & warm! Happy December to everyone, enjoy the time with your loved ones even if you are the kind of person that wonders how one can spend such a long time with their parent!
meiw

A photo my Mom sent me of home.

T-day eve

What does Thanksgiving mean? I get that a lot over here, it makes me wonder if Brits ( as Im calling them these days!) actually think that we Americans all sit around & celebrate killing the natives. Yes, I do understand that out there, we have many, many messed up people that do not have their priorities or Holidays straight- but I think we have more people that do have it straight.
On this Thanksgiving eve as I sit here, I feel pretty resentful of things- which is wrong, its the opposite of feeling "thankful". Some things have been unsettling for weeks, feeling like Im alone in a sea of uncommunicative feeling stuffers who want nothing more than to have cryptic IJT= inside joke talk at my expense!
It might be our obsession with the Crime Investigation Network but I feel like I don't laugh that much- or is it just that no one is funny?
I guess its approaching the 6 month mark from the last time we were in the States, and I know- the festive period is hard for everyone. But I usually LOVE IT, and this year I feel so disconnected from almost everyone I know here!
Well now marks the moment when I turn my frown upside down! Its almost that mystical day when its cold & crisp outside but still orange, yellow & red! Turkeys, or TOfurkeys in our house beware! I will remember fondly my Thanksgiving in New Mexico last year making the sauce, meatballs & stuffing with my Aunt Diane. I remember fondly many Thanksgivings making the rounds, I think my Mom & I hit 4 families in 1 day 1 year. Turkey legs at my Moms with Ricky (although he didn't eat turkey) when we first discovered Rock of Love & watched 5 episodes in a row.. . .
Making stove top stuffing with Denise in Sparky's kitchen, going to Thanksgiving night parties when all the family time was over & drinking schnapps- the only thing left! Blindeye Thanksgiving potluck style bar times. . Thanksgiving beer drinking, leftovers & much more incriminating evidence!
Vodafone may have stolen our ability to have a Thanksgiving party this year, my head cold has gotten in the way & we cant afford to take work off anyway, but I will take comfort in the thought that someday I will be back amongst my people & I wont have to explain myself all the time, my strange American traditions & what they mean. . . . . .

Beached

Have not had that much time to write lately, we got the ticket though for those of you that wonder! Thanks Everyone!

As usual the only time I feel like blogging my view is when Im feeling down. . . . Its only really been this week & its only half way through the week just now. The weather here totally sucks, its getting dark about 3pm & it is really cold until you start walking anywhere & then you totally over heat. I walk a lot more now that we got rid of our bus passes which were only really needed for our old jobs.
I sorta feel like people are freaking out, or freaking out on us or taking it out on us? Perhaps we are just big butt-faces angering our friends & family? Regardless though, I feel like Im the only person in Scotland that can or wants to communicate. Slightly over dramatic, I know but still. Noticing a bit more cultural differences at this exact time!
Today after starting several different projects in order to avoid learning how to do the one daunting project I NEED to do I decided to go out. Walked uptown, met the Hubs, went a few places including back to "lower Leith", got some veg & walked home. Got into my jammies & made dinner only to realise it was 4:30 in the afternoon! I thought it must have been at least 7pm, its currently almost 9 & I feel like Im up late. I feel like a beached whale in a pink robe!

On another note, I have no desire to go to any bar or pub or club in this city & every time I put music on at work someone I work with complains. Where TF am I?

Izzo/White Holiday Season Fund Drive!

This is a brief history or explanation of why I am asking for $10 donations to help purchase a plane ticket for my Mother to come & be here for Christmas 2011.

The simple fact is the last several times we have spent time with my Mom it has been during high stress emergency situations. About 3 months after I moved to Edinburgh almost 3 1/2 years ago my family went into what I would describe as a total crisis with the diagnosis of my Aunt Diane's malignant brain tumour. This was especially difficult to digest as Diane's husband Marco had just had a kidney transplant & the couple were already struggling to deal with that situation.
Diane & Marco lived in New Mexico & with some help from the rest of family Ricky & I were able to facilitate my Mom getting & staying out there for a few months to help out. Here is a link which might give you some more info on Diane.

http://leisureblogs.chicagotribune.com/turn_it_up/2008/11/a-big-brain-ben.html

Less than 1 year later we got the call that my Grandfather was very ill & we needed to get to the States asap. My Mom got up to Chicago & kicked into care taking mode & we searched for tickets,cash & time off work. It was then that the credit card came into the picture & with some help from Ricky's family here we were both able to go to Chicago. This 2 week period was spent helping out my Mom & Uncle Anthony manage Grandpa's care & trying to spend as much time with him as possible. I had not seen him for more than a couple hours in about 5 years.Here is a link to some of the work my Grampa did as a film editor.

www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=ytH1G0hzi-U

It was during this trip that I found out my Grandfather on my Dad's side of the family was also ill & didn't have long. We got up to Wisconsin to see them, it had been about 15 years since I had seen them, it was magical.
Shortly after our return to Edinburgh Grampa Tony passed away, We were so grateful of the time spent in Chicago helping out. Ricky made eggs for Grampa every day & it was so important that Ricky got to know him & vice versa. My Grandpa Don passed away later in the year also.

The next year was spent trying to keep tabs on Diane & Marco's health, my Mom's well being/her own health issues & her return to Bloomington after the trauma of losing her father. It was a lot harder to settle here than I expected & combined with all this & the pressure & expense of gaining residency we were pretty much frazzled out. After finally getting our passports back from the home office at the end of last summer it became very clear to me that Diane was not doing well & I needed to see her. Our original plan was to try & visit my Mom for her 50th birthday in Bloomington but I knew deep down that I needed to get to New Mexico that Fall or it might be too late to see Diane. I am so glad I followed my instinct. I was able to secure my plane ticket through my previous job as both of our Christmas bonuses & off I went. The time I got to spend with Diane was priceless to me. It was really hard to see them going through so much (Marco back on Dialysis & Diane in extreme chronic pain) & know that I couldn't stay & help, I tried as much as I could while I was out there but I had to get home, back to work as the festive season was approaching.
I miraculously got home & was able to get my Mom a ticket here for her 50th birthday (thank you tax return) in February.
2 days after my Mom got to Scotland her little sister, my aunt Diane went in for her 2nd surgery to remove a growth on her brain. Although we were able to briefly speak to her afterwards, she did not recover. The cancer had spread & it was only a matter of time, we were totally unable to get back to the States. My Mom & Ricky & I spent both of their birthdays here in Edinburgh through Diane's last days. During this time we were virtually totally unable to take time off of work & the whole thing was extremely stressful & sad.

The next occasion for us seeing my Mom was to get to the States in May for the Diane Izzo Memorial Event which we needed to attend apart from obvious reasons, to hopefully get some closure,we also needed to get Boo ( my grandmother ) up to Chicago since she was alone in Bloomington when Diane passed.
This entire trip was funded through credit & although we did not know this at the time, unforeseen circumstances back here made it impossible for us to continue or full time employment when we returned to Edinburgh leaving us in a pretty bad financial situation this past summer.
This pretty much sums up what I/ we have been going through since I moved here, although I totally understand why it might seem cheeky for me to be asking for your money to help my Mom come here for a (fingers crossed) genuine holiday I really feel that this is becoming a valid way to achieve goals- look at Kickstarter.com. Lets face it, how hard is it right now to save? We are perpetually in the negative & my Mom is on a fixed disability income. Boo has contributed a good amount towards this fund but we still need to raise around $300- today about £190. I am currently working on a plan to create a "Vacation funder" but in the mean time, please kick in $10 or whatever you can to help us out. I know most of you would be happy to buy us a beer if we saw you on a night out so why not do this instead-its far more meaningful to us. I am more than happy to give you the $10 back when you go on Holiday or buy YOU a beer when I see you, I just can't do it all at once!

The paypal for this is mizzowhite@gmail.com & if you don't have a paypal set up I will send you the bank account details-- Just email me! If you live locally in Bloomington or in the States & you would like to send a cheque or money order please contact lizizzo@yahoo.com for the address. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts! Michelle, Ricky & Elizabeth. . . .

Pissed off Puppy!

Try as I might I cannot get this blog up to anything positive.. Its so lame! Im not really a totally unhappy person who hates the place she lives in but I think it must appear that way- sorry folks! My food blog is way more positive! The thing that reminded me of this fact was that Im currently pissed off & thought of blogging? Why!!?

I decided to try & search for an image which describes my mood- I tried "pissed off puppies" & came up with this-although I don't think if myself as a puppy, this one is making a fitting face and for some reason its got a photo of Jack Black attached to it. I used to be in love with Jack Black until I met my husband, well it fizzled out a bit before that but still, I thought I might have a chance. In spite of him being already involved with someone & me living a drunken delusional life in the Czech Republic I still thought I had a chance. . . . . .
Jack Black is really funny, someday when Im really bored I will scan some of my Jack Black artwork in & show you. The D got me through some pretty dark times, in Bloomington & in Prague. . . .Good times too x x x Thank you Jack Black, I feel a lot better now!

I feel like shit.

I have been feeling really down the last 2 days & there is no real reason for it- its not that time off month or anything like that. I feel so very uninspired by Edinburgh- how is this possible? I literally feel as if I am missing something that other people see. I think its beautiful here and all that but try as I might, most days I cant see past the gray buildings, the shoppers & the general suit vibe. I don't mean to or want to sound like a total ingrate ( even though I do) as I am very lucky in a lot of ways, I just feel like Im missing something.

I stopped looking for "something" here awhile ago & things have improved a lot but I still get the odd day where I get really pissed off or sad etc. Is it just that I have failed to really become friends with any one group of people or is it that they stopped asking forever ago as we were perpetually "working" & "broke" at the same time?

I come from a really different place from most people I know here & I am starting to wonder if that is the problem? When I lived in Prague we all had that fact in common so I suppose it was much easier to make friends. Everyone was from someplace else & everyone thought Prague was really great so we all liked to do the same type of things. Like drink Czech beer. Maybe Prague ruined Edinburgh for me?

Or maybe Im just getting old? Or maybe for once all the "older" people I try to hang out with are actually acting old and responsible as opposed to acting really irresponsible.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Molly Shimer

I had some pretty crazy dreams this morning -all Bloomington based,all downtown in places that don't really exist anymore. This prompted me to search the online newspaper in Bloomington for a few names of friends who have passed away. Young people that died WAY to early, Molly & Cara to be exact, but I stumbled on lots more names of folks I have not thought about in a long time.
Cara & I were really good friends when we were younger but not in too much contact at the time of her death. RIP Cara x x x

Molly & I were good friends through a very troubling time in both of our teenage years. Molly was a couple years older than me, she was 18 at the time of her death,but going back a few years... We were both in a considerable amount of trouble but nothing that serious, lets say truancy was a big part of it & running away from home-but we weren't bad kids. (both gemini)
The short version of what happen is that Molly & I were 2 girls from Monroe County sent to a Rehabilitation Center outside of Muncie In, called Interventions. No one from Monroe Co had ever come out of that program successfully & no one came out successfully the entire 8 months I was in there-apart from me. Molly & I got into loads of trouble together & had some really great times. Being from the same town we had an advantage that no one else in there had. We were able to make plans & have dreams together of what would happen when & if we ever got out of there.... Both of our fathers where deceased & both of our Mothers collected a social security cheque due to that situation. Although I am unclear of the circumstances regarding Molly's cheque, I know that my own was re-routed to Monroe County to help pay for this "treatment" I was supposed to be getting-in spite of my Mother still needing to pay for all my personal items & keep a roof over her head so I had someplace to return too, drive 5 hours to visit me to participate in counselling.
During the first 6 months of being at Interventions myself & other girls (including Molly) complained of a strange rash that had covered our bodies accompanied by unbearable itching. This was casually brushed off as being " all in our heads" by the nurse & counsellors.
On my 6 month review I was brought back to Bloomington for a brief court date where I was able to see my public defender. I showed him the rashes & told him about what was going on & he immediately put pressure on Interventions to get me to a doctor which they did promptly. When I saw the Doctor he took 1 look at my HAND & established that I had Scabies!
For 6 months we had been living with Scabies & no one believed us that anything was even wrong! Somehow I managed to get myself out of that place, I don't thing I was "rehabilitated" since I don't believe that at that time in my life I needed it. Yes, we put our mothers through hell, yes, we should have gone to school-but we didn't. We didn't deserve what we got & I know Molly didn't deserve the 10 months she got in that place. Molly got kicked out of Interventions, In my opinion far worse off than when she went in. She was still a great person but her levels of chemical abuse were a lot higher & the habits she picked up in that place stayed with her till the end. I still saw Molly on a regular basis but did avoid spending time with her due to the company she kept. Monroe County did fail her, I would say it failed me too-but I turned out Ok. I managed to somehow, stay out of trouble in spite of still being a "trouble maker" & somehow got out of Indiana. I wonder what the system has in place in Monroe County now to deal with such young ladies? Has it improved? I write this for Molly in part as it was 15 years ago this week some asshole drove 7 miles the wrong way down the highway with Molly in the passenger seat.RIP Molly.
I also write it though as this morning when I checked my email my Mom had written saying that she got a letter from the sheriffs court stating they still want the "parental reimbursement" money from the couple of months they didn't steal my social security cheque during that 8 month period. They will not give up on this in spite of countless appearances & letters stating that not only do we not have the money to pay it but it is completely inappropriate to ask for money from us. The court system at that time in Monroe County failed to place us someplace safe & as far as Im concerned they were partially responsible for Molly's death & that makes me sad. I love Bloomington but Monroe County will not be getting 1 penny of money from us for parental reimbursement for a near criminal act of " Juvenile Rehabilitation".

reflective reflections

Since today is 9/11 I thought I might flash back to where I was when the shit hit the fan... I woke up in Denise & Al's old apartment at the house on Jackson street above Skeet's house. I can't remember if they were there or not. We (Im thinking me & Skeet) had been partying pretty heavily the night before & my ex-boyfriend Thomas called from the Pizzeria around 10am to say that there had been some sort of terrorist attack & Indiana may be a target. I had no idea what he was talking about but I seem to remember getting up & going downstairs to check the t.v. & then I remember going downtown to the Pizzeria to watch what was happening from there. I can't remember why there was this thought Indiana would be a target. To be honest I really can't remember much else about the day except watching the same footage over & over... Im not really sure what to say, clearly shit did not go down ( no pun intended ) the way they say it did & that is disturbing. There are a million 9/11 shows on this weekend & after Ricky fell asleep during "Gone with the Wind" I decided to watch one. I caught the end of a show that was about heros of 9/11, 2 guys that got all these people out of lifts & down stairs etc but both didn't make it themselves. Ricky woke up & we tried to watch a show about children of 9/11 victims but I had to turn it off. It was too f*****g sad (for lack of a better word) for my current hungover state & Ricky was in danger of getting really angry. At the risk of sounding totally shallow, it was not cool-it does not make sense. My heart goes out to everyone that lost someone...Fuck George Bush & the horse he rode in on!

Another new day.

Finding that moving on feels good... Today I moved on from my fundraising job-only because I had too, for me. Lots of other reasons there, none of which are really that negative. I think that the friends I made there I shall keep for a long time. I know the skills I developed there will travel with me to the next step. The important thing is taking the next step. Im not in a place where I can feel stuck. I hope to continue with employment aimed towards helping others & I think I could do more.


So long for now "FUNdraising"!

More adventure awaits me & I embrace it ! ! !

Diane Moon!

Thinking this might be my next tattoo...for my Aunt,she would have found it pretty hysterical ...now what location?

A weekend alone.

Cant seem to get a view out!

Missing a smaller community, one I can see healthy things in..

Homesick again.

Tuesday thoughts!

Right, so a few thoughts on my new job.... or rather the folks Im trying to stop in the street, keeping in mind that I used to be an expert at dodging the fundraisers! Straight up, I was a pro- I don't think I even realised they don't want cash till I got this job!

1) Pretending we are not there only makes you look REALLY silly. The looking straight ahead & ignoring us method makes you look like such an unhappy person. Its a shame you wont just stop & have a chat, worse case scenario is that you DO NOT sign up, however the usual outcome of that is still walking away with a smile on your face.

2) Telling us in passing that you already donate to charity only makes you feel better for a few seconds.. It does very little for me.

3) Yelling at us that "we are out here everyday" also makes you look like an unhappy person, if you paid attention you might realise that its not "us", its a different charity- "we" don't pick our spots, hence me going to Bathgate tomorrow, for the 3rd time in a week and a half.

4) "No thank you" is a really, REALLY bizarre thing to say to a fundraiser- I might understand if I tried to offer you mouldy cookies?!

5) Hissing is not cool unless you are Gollum, so don't do it.

6) "Im busy" is a truly lame thing to say-everyone is busy, come up with something just slightly more truthful, perhaps try something like..." Im shopping right now, I have 6 shopping bags & they are all really heavy. I haven't quite spent all my money but Im not going to share it at all, I have a fake tan & you look dirty".

That is all that comes to mind. About half of the time I know I can do my job & the other half human kind really gets me down.. Its been 10 days now & I want to fire bomb the human population on slightly less than I did in my previous job. The upside is that when someone is cool, when I have done my job well, I feel good & a little more sunshine is let in.

To Be continued...

sunburn part 1

Well I wont be cutting my fringe (bangs) till my super cool sunburn goes away. Its not from my fringe but from my purple hat. Lame.

Kinda bummed today, Didn't get a sign up again & that makes me feel bad. Although I did good last week on the 2 days I worked I have done bad this week so far. Tomorrow is Wednesday though & that feels better. We will be on the royal mile too which is a first!

Thankful for the awesomeness of my Hubs, he is making lots o tasty food for me & holding down the chores.

Now if my forehead would stop burning...

NEW JOB!!

I got my new job! I am a charity fundraiser, currently fundraising for deaf children in the UK! I am that person on the street that people (including myself) are trying to avoid. I got hissed at yesterday in a Gollum like way by the very first person I approached!

I dont't really have a hard time approaching people, Im pretty chatty in general & used to "spare change" a lot when I was way way younger,for beer money. I consider myself to be experienced more or less.

Today was my 2nd day & Im now starting to get "behind" the charity, not that I wasn't before but I think I was pretty bombarded with facts & statistics from the training. Now I am hungry for more info & also eager to start learning sign language, not sure when I will have time though what with my new food blog! Just kinda kidding, I feel as if I need to know more in order to do my job better, and more honestly too.

The other thing that happen today is that I figured out that most of these people DO have time, almost all of them are just shopping or walking up & down the High street. Most of the people with loads of shopping bags that look all fancy pants that "don't have time" are full of it, they are the ones I think I have the hardest time approaching. I need to make it my goal to get there, but times are still young & I have done well so far so I cant complain. My point is that I had a lot of ideas about the charity fundraisers & a whole lot of them are wrong!

So next time, at least stop & listen- they might just win you over, and for real-they are not asking for that much & they are legit!

Cats project!

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1526088250/ikons-the-gods-are-alive-and-well-in-all-of-us

This is really cool & I thought I would post it on here as it is a project I was involved in when I lived in the Czech Republic!

something positive

I seem to have gotten a new job, fundraising for charity! How exciting for me!! I train on Tuesday & if I am good at that then it is successful & I can start. Hopefully I will be good at it, Im sure I remember being able to raise money for keg parties back in the day..I haven't changed that much!

the job hunt!

So the job hunt is finally starting to pick up. It was not going well at first, it has now been 2 weeks & 3 days which I suppose really isn't that long at all. It means that in the last 7 1/2 weeks I have done 1 week of work. It feels pretty great & has not felt lazy at all till this week when the cold crept in!

The cold has me feeling slightly bummed, I just want to get on board the money making train & get someplace. We have lots of goals right now & the last thing I want is to loose momentum!

I turned down 1 job at the Dome tending bar full time, I applied for an early morning to early afternoon cleaning job & they called me back for a full time late night job. I did think about it & Im sure the money is good but the last thing I want is to end up in a similar situation with worse clientele. Also the new addition of a Tiki bar in Edinburgh had me really excited until I looked at the photos online of the first bar someplace out of town & realised it does not look even remotely unique nor do the people that work & drink there. Thumbs down to Lola Lo, I challenge you!

I have been relaxing non stop for awhile now but the work should be picking up next week what with the festival starting so Im pumped!

I plan to use the festival to my every possible advantage & have a great time doing new work & hopefully meeting some new people! Ricky seems to have gotten a job at a juice bar & might be doing some rickshaw work which I am very jealous of I must admit! Going to eat & watch Lord of the rings now....

Stay tuned for my new FOOD blog!

felt like sharing this...

http://louderthanwar.com/featured/oi-polloi-live-review

The 1st day of the rest of our lives part 2!

Quit my job, well Ricky & I both quit! Feels pretty great, not sure what to do but big plans are on the horizon! An eventual move to America is in our future but now its time for some less stressed living. I suspect its going to be difficult & stressed in new ways but its new adventure time & we are really happy!

Maybe now my blog will be a bit more positive, I certainly feel more positive!?

The luxury car of Hand Mixers... too bad its only mine 45 hours a week....

sunday!

Going Home in just a few days now, cant wait-however- The event which prompted this is sad. Its my Aunt Diane's memorial event in Chicago.

I guess Im hoping that this will help me come to terms with her death? I don't really feel like I have allowed myself any real time to deal with it at all. What with the job & all.

Im also hoping to have a superb time with my family & friends, eating, drinking, shopping & generally being merry! I plan to enjoy the weather & America in all its glory-I love that place & I cant wait!

See you soon America! YES!

Monday blues

Feeling like trying to get a grip on something good this spring, not sure what it is but a big clean out of the house is gonna happen & a lot of jump rope!

Really have had enough Bullshit from people lately! In a way moving here was like having to be a teenager again, though Im sure I had more friends then & was really stoned.. I guess though I got to go through all that just kinda older & wiser.Getting really into goals, maybe even going to get into winning..

Thinking SPRING!

Diane

This is what I wrote & sent over for my Aunt Diane's Memorial in Taos New Mexico.

My Aunt Diane

It wasn't until recently that I realised how young Diane was when I was born. She would have been 13 or so then & I only now can see how much she must have loved having a little niece around. Diane & I were close when I was a young kid & I appreciate that so much more now that I am older.

I moved out of the country almost 10 years ago now so I have not seen Diane & Marco as much as we all would have liked. Last fall Diane & I were playing phone tag a lot, at home Im 7 hours ahead so I was almost always at work when she would call & she usually wasn't home when I tried her.. one thing though that was apparent to me when we did talk was that she was not doing good. Although Diane always seemed concerned about my well being & had the best sense of humour on the phone, one of the calls we had in late October was very worrisome to me. I just remember her saying something about time, and not having very much of it. This made me feel that I had to see her as soon as possible. I was able to get the money together to visit her & Marco last November for Thanksgiving. I am so grateful that we had that time together in Taos,it was fun, funny, rocky, emotional,relaxed & sad.

I feel so blessed to have seen Diane when I did.

Even though Diane was in a lot of pain she was still very determined to live a full life & she still dragged me around everywhere to meet all of her friends. She was so full of stories & love & funny thoughts.

When I was in Taos I was filled with the hope & thought that everything would be Okay although I was there when Diane & Marco got the news that the "shadow" had grown & the 2nd surgery was proposed. I really felt that we would have more time. We talked a lot about the next time I might be able to come back & me bringing my husband Ricky so he could play music with her. She was so Happy that I had finally found the right someone to live my life with the same way that she had with Marco.

My mom & I lived with Diane on & off when I was a kid in Chicago, Wisconsin & Indiana.. One of my most favourite memories though from when I was a kid was when I was staying with my Grandparents in Mineral Point Wisconsin & it was the middle of the night & Diane & her old friend Megan showed up & asked my grandmother If they could take me for a few days, when we got out to the car I realised that they had 2 Labrador puppies with them! For a 7 year old that was the coolest thing ever, to have your Aunt come and kidnap you for a few days to hang out with puppies!

Diane was always the coolest ever, when I think of it now so much of my personality & taste is based on something Diane exposed me to at a young age, a movie she brought me to see, music that she played for me or the wonderful gifts she always showered me with when I was growing up,even the pizza I prefer comes from Diane.

In a way she was like a sister to me, Im just so sad that she wont be here anymore. I feel so sad that I chose to live so far away for so long but as I told my Mom today, I know that Diane wanted me to be happy, she always told me to look out for myself & do what I thought I needed to do.

For me the distance has made it pretty hard to come to terms with Diane's death, I have a feeling Im going to be coming to terms with this for a long time.

Someone posted a comment on a YouTube video" the good(the best) die young" and its so true in her case. I just cant believe it a lot of the time, but I can believe that her memory will always be alive & thankfully we have her beautiful music to always remind us of her & someday I hope to play it to my children.

It was always pretty awesome when someone, a friend or maybe someone I didn't know so well would ask if I had a famous sister or aunt..my reply of course being yes!

I feel so grateful that Diane & Marco had each other, as I sit here & try to hold it together writing this I think I have so much more to say.. Im so proud that I had an Aunt Diane,someone that was so wise & magical.

Even though these last few years have been so hard for Diane& Marco Im so grateful they lived in such a beautiful place with a lovely home surrounded by people & pets that cared for them. Im so glad I got to experience that with them for 2 weeks last Thanksgiving. What a very special time it was.

I hope its a beautiful day in Taos with lots of laughing & love & most importantly lots of Chai…

Im sorry that we cant be there with you, My Mother-Diane's sister, has been with us in Scotland during these last 2 months & I speak for her, my husband Ricky & myself when I say thank you for being there, thank you for all loving Diane & supporting her & Marco & thanks for your continued support for Marco. All the love we have been able to see all over Facebook means so much to us being so far away.

March 2011.

house!

I looked over my last post, and yes, pretty grim.

Things are looking up, and down. So far this 2011 buisness has been pretty rough. I totally over did it in January, work pretty much put me over the edge, but thats partly my fault. Trying to get "it" all done before my Mom came proved pretty pointless as "it" never ends.

I lost a close family member last week, which not only sucks but double ass sucks cos Im not to close to most of my family. Im gonna write somethen about that soon, and get it out there,up here and around.

Edinburgh is actually managing to produce some semi promising weather and I can feel spring coming, Ricky would maybe even say its here. It does something for the memory to have spring come, I like to be reminded of the very first time I went down to New Oreans, at the tender age of 13 I think it might have been. The world seemed very much alive then, So its good to be reminded of that feeling. Of course Bloomington feelings are strong during this time too, I can feel a trip coming on.. I miss America and the ones in it.

Recently I changed my job descrption, I traded the bar in for the kitchen & Im feeling much better so far, lets hope that lasts. I got really tired of dealing with the public, just to point out one of my issues. I have a bunch of visible tattoos and although this is no issue for me, having to explain them to conservative British people 7 times a day isnt exactly working out for me. Colin was right when he advised me to not get my hand tattooed just yet. Thanks Buddy..
So, feeling alot more comfortable behind the scenes, I am also doing lots of other things for the job, like learning about marketing and events,stuff that I think Im pretty good at.. Its kinda like throwing a party-just on a bigger scale. Im a natural fun haver so its all pretty easy.

I have yet to come to terms with some real long term goals in the UK other than continuing to immigrate. My Mom is here and that feels totally normal, it will be more lonely when she goes. Nice to be a 3 person team..

thursday...

I LOVE 7 up!!!!

happy new year.

I feel pretty depressed after the Holiday season of 2010...It is the first year I just didn't feel like I got into it-I didn't have the time.. Nothing has really improved afterwards either.
Somehow I guess I expected to get through it without feeling like I might have to check myself in to a hospital but I was wrong.

Apart from the usual work related boredom I have a pretty intense and sincere hatred and rage for pretty much everyone I deal with these days.. My managerial skills seem to have not returned with me from my Nov/Dec trip to America. I could care less to be exact. But don't mind that,I feel better and brighter things in store within my job so I take comfort in that and will look forward to new projects.

My most recent and nerve racking annoyance is that today I finally had more than a few minutes to look at our finances and this led to phone calls..I, as an American am not on the electoral roll thing here in the good old UK which makes it very difficult to be approved for any kind of credit card or loan or anything like that. I do however have Residency and a note on my credit report that explains I'm a US citizen and cant vote ( yet) etc etc-which in theory should be enough if one was dealing with an actual person instead of a computer!

However when speaking to several different customer service people related to the various financial institutions I contacted today I was not able to get any sort of advice or even acknowledgement that they could help me apply for anything! I'm sure this does not even make sense? I guess to sum up my view for today- in my world here in the UK I don't feel like there is anyone to help me make decisions about anything. Somehow the people on the phones have never spoken to anyone in my situation, I don't know anyone in my situation and no one I know seems to know anyone in my situation. I feel so alone sometimes here its unreal, as in I cant believe this is happening to me..I would not change it though- my husband who is my best friend is here and my reason for being here, but really-is there anyone out there that can answer any number of the questions and concerns I have?? All the people I might ask questions to normally don't live here,haven't lived here and dealt with this stuff.

Do I really have to try again to join the Internet forum for Americans living in the UK? Please say it ain't so,they are so "forumy" and I am so not-I have tried,believe me!

So, Its another rare day off almost past and virtually no progress has been made towards sanity or relaxation..more tears shed and more feelings of isolation from the British public,more telephone scripts read to me from India... The doctors office doesn't even tell you when it reopens on the voicemail!!!
The snow shut everything down, Christmas and then Newyear shut everything else down yet somehow we,the little people are still expected to get to work and work through the entire Holiday season and beyond!!
It seems to be just a little bit more than I can take today, or yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
But I guess I will try again cos I cant give up yet, Ricky made peanut butter cookies and with the discovery that Betty Crocker sells vegan fudge frosting at tesco things might just be looking up?