Big Rock.

Do we ever get used to the idea of losing someone? I'm sure that is a question often asked, but sitting here 2 weeks after the loss of a dear friend, I think of my Aunt & how fresh the wound of her loss still is- years passed. I get scared of other loved ones dying. My friend Chris was taken from carbon monoxide poisoning, something we know exists but maybe never think could happen to someone so close. Even though I was still checking my outdated magnet detector this year, I still never thought it would really happen to someone I know & love.
This is the first bit of writing I have done in a long time & certainly since my friend passed away. I intend to remember & document all the stories that I can of the adventures, sessions & day to day life spent with Chris. I just have not known where to really begin, a common feeling these days. I think these 2 people are the people I was closest to that I have lost in my life & I have lost a whole bunch of friends & other people I know. My Mom lost my dad when she was 21, I think- which means that my grandparents lost a son & my 3 uncles & 1 aunt lost a sibling.
I have spent time thinking a lot about death, its not a new thing. I guess with this one though, its made me think a lot about friends- the kind you have where things never change between you. You can always pick back up. The kind of pals you went through some crazy time with, times you are unlikely  to ever have again. I just simply find it near to impossible to accept that someone so alive as Big Rock, is not going to be around anymore. He was an unstoppable force, a hurricane. How does one get through the rest of the time, the day to day shit. I hadn't even seen him in a couple of years but his loss is huge to me. I don't think anyone here, in my day life really understands what it means to me. Of course everyone has lost someone & its no fault of anyone, but who the fuck do you talk to about these things. I went to the funeral, went back to Prague, have saturated myself in the info on Facebook but still feel pretty unsure about the whole thing. Its confusing & hurts so much that one can understand how some people find God.
So now that this step has been taken I guess its time to start the memories, are they to "out of control" to even document? Probably, but it was fun times.... the funniest.....

4 more years!

I am pretty consumed with the upcoming election, its on Tuesday, today is Sunday.
It is safe to say that with all the shit that is hitting the fan back home, I am an anxiety ridden mess. What would Romney's America look like? Certainly not a place I would want to go home to. I avoided it during the George Bush Jr nightmare. Yikes I say. Since I live in Scotland & I have failed to make it to the Democrats Abroad meetings to actually meet some other Americans, I feel pretty isolated.
I usually feel pretty isolated anyways, having 2 very long term friendships meltdown this last summer isn't really helping, nor is the feeling that Im being totally taken advantage of at work. I have left the city 2 times in 2012. I am about to apply for my Citizenship & I feel more trapped & stuck than ever before. Shit feels grim, however - 1 cool thing has happend on a superficial level. I seem to be being stalked by a group of hairdressers at a Salon near my job. They love my hair, my fringe one would say here instead of bangs & they want to colour / cut / mess around with it.
I have realised ( recently ) that I need constant 
positive reinforcement for everything. I require being in a position to do well & I must be told I am doing so- this applies to everything....

Is it that Im a Gemini, or a Monkey... or an only child? Why? All I know is that it aint happening here apart from these kooky hair dressers! My dear Hubs is perhaps a little to close to me to see how shit actually makes me feel (locally), and of course he is way more optimistic about the future & how to "get there"- not to mention he has the band to get him outta here a few times a year.
I have a few really good ideas & goals but seem to have no one to back me up, where is my cheerleader, my motivational speaker?

Well I have 4 days off work, a roof over my head & enough supplies. Its not a hurricane & I don't have a cold... I got a brand new clipboard & Im gonna get some shit done! Wish me luck, more steps forward than back & maybe I can get my shit together long enough to update the world on my accomplishments....
And seriously folks, 4 more years!

Career Choices

Not posted on this one forever, not known exactly where to begin- however just when I though British TV could not possibly redeem itself, Say Anything was on tonight. 

“I've thought about this quite a bit, sir, and I'd have to say considering what's waiting out there for me, I don't want to sell anything,buy anything or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or... process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought or processed, you know, as a career.”

― Lloyd Dobler

That pretty much sums it up for me......

Is this summer?

I don't even know where to begin with this blog anymore- continue I should say. I'm pretty sick of feeling sorry for myself about my living situation. I totally do not hate it here but I want to go home- I love my flat right now, appreciate the time I seem to somehow make to "make" something. I have a "studio" space- sort of. I have all my own furniture instead of a bunch of stuff that came with the flat. I have a few more friends here now, I feel totally confident in my ability to do so much shit but still can't find the time or energy to do most of it. Someone should sponsor me.
I do not bitch about my hair anymore now that I have a mullet- going on 7 months now.
I want to live in BOTH places, why is that so hard for some....immigration, cash- why can't they just trust that we aren't going to steal, drain public funds or sit around on our lazy asses. We are pretty hard working creative smart folks & can contribute so much to some community- although I do not feel that in this one - still - and prefer to stay in my house than go outside into Leith (walk).

Still totally unable to deal with the loss of my Aunt, finding it even harder now that more time has passed to reach out to her loved ones.

I became self employed & WANT to help people locally, but the people I think need help usually cannot afford it.. frustration there. Its pretty cheap too.

I still do the hours in the cafe & do enjoy that as it is currently a project moving forward.
I think I need to drink less coffee (which really makes me pissed off). Getting headaches & gonna see how it goes the rest of this week with:
less coffee
less alcohol- been drinking more than usual
less drugs- not that I take any anyway ( really)
more creativity
more rest
intensive work weekend- I shall then re-evaluate headache situation.

I AM pumped about some side projects with friends that require help, I am gonna re-do the website. Today I made a box.

Have had 2 very weird relationship breakdowns back home, both of which I feel totally unable to address although it is CONSTANTLY on my mind, weighing heavily on my heart.

Oats

Call my GP to try & make my follow up appointment which they would'nt let me just make when the Doctor told me to do it- too far in advance- 10 days?
They don't have anything with my Doctor for weeks, nothing with any of the female Doctors for weeks & I was informed none of the Doctors have anything coming up, by a frantic unpleasant sighing woman on the other end if the phone.
I feel like the weird side cramp might be coming back, even after just finishing a 10 day course of antibiotics, decide I should call Chalmers Sexual Health Clinic to see about an appointment. I am actually informed by the condescending man on the phone that appointments can only be made on a Wednesday - Im calling on Friday. What should one do if they have an emergency? Speak to the nurse & she will decide, Ok so can I please speak to the nurse?
No, you need to phone back after 1pm to speak to the nurse, well, Im at work,its 10am & I am phoning NOW when I have the time. Not much luck there for me, no appointments made.

Yep, might sound like Im a total ingrate but Im not, I expect the person on the other end of the phone to be nice to me!!! I have dealt with a lot of bitchy redneck incompetent nurses in the United States but somehow, all of them combined- in health centres for people living below the poverty level, have all been more polite than the people I have had to deal with here when trying to get basic medical needs taken care of.
So this is just the latest of my annoyances. Do natives go through this or do I feel this way since Im American & have different standards? Whatever, all I really want is to encounter someone that likes Americans, or maybe someone that can just be normal about the fact that Im an American.
Feeling totally over saturated (again) in British culture. I want to do a study & go live in England to see if it is different? Is is Scotland? Don't know, need to vent/rant somewhere, yikes if you actually read this. Its not that bad here, just builds up & Im a little sensitive after reading an article talking about how Americans don't understand the concept of an "oatcake"- guess what? An oatcake is not a fucking cracker or a cookie OR a cake! Americans eat oats too- its called porridge, and In America we call it OATMEAL!

Lucky Stars

I have felt like shit for the past 2 1/2 months & it turns out to be a pelvic infection!!! Not entirely sure how that went un-detected considering the amount of times I went to the Doctors, both the GP & the lady doctors.
Glad Im feeling better now & want to get blogging again, for this blog & my view on FOOD of course! This has really made me thank my lucky stars again that Im in good health cos it was pretty much ruining my life to be all cramped up ETC!
Thank you Lucky Stars- you know who you are!

Mom is here!!! She finally made it, the fundraising worked! So thankful to everyone that contributed! Some people may wonder how we can handle having Mom here for 2 1/2 months, its easy for us as she is part of our team. Most of the time its just the 2 of us in our world- which is the best thing ever, but its good to have someone else around that is on the level. So this is where the holidays begin, we will move onto birthdays after & planning for the future! Lots to do! The house feels very festive, alive & warm! Happy December to everyone, enjoy the time with your loved ones even if you are the kind of person that wonders how one can spend such a long time with their parent!
meiw

A photo my Mom sent me of home.