sunday!

Going Home in just a few days now, cant wait-however- The event which prompted this is sad. Its my Aunt Diane's memorial event in Chicago.

I guess Im hoping that this will help me come to terms with her death? I don't really feel like I have allowed myself any real time to deal with it at all. What with the job & all.

Im also hoping to have a superb time with my family & friends, eating, drinking, shopping & generally being merry! I plan to enjoy the weather & America in all its glory-I love that place & I cant wait!

See you soon America! YES!

Monday blues

Feeling like trying to get a grip on something good this spring, not sure what it is but a big clean out of the house is gonna happen & a lot of jump rope!

Really have had enough Bullshit from people lately! In a way moving here was like having to be a teenager again, though Im sure I had more friends then & was really stoned.. I guess though I got to go through all that just kinda older & wiser.Getting really into goals, maybe even going to get into winning..

Thinking SPRING!

Diane

This is what I wrote & sent over for my Aunt Diane's Memorial in Taos New Mexico.

My Aunt Diane

It wasn't until recently that I realised how young Diane was when I was born. She would have been 13 or so then & I only now can see how much she must have loved having a little niece around. Diane & I were close when I was a young kid & I appreciate that so much more now that I am older.

I moved out of the country almost 10 years ago now so I have not seen Diane & Marco as much as we all would have liked. Last fall Diane & I were playing phone tag a lot, at home Im 7 hours ahead so I was almost always at work when she would call & she usually wasn't home when I tried her.. one thing though that was apparent to me when we did talk was that she was not doing good. Although Diane always seemed concerned about my well being & had the best sense of humour on the phone, one of the calls we had in late October was very worrisome to me. I just remember her saying something about time, and not having very much of it. This made me feel that I had to see her as soon as possible. I was able to get the money together to visit her & Marco last November for Thanksgiving. I am so grateful that we had that time together in Taos,it was fun, funny, rocky, emotional,relaxed & sad.

I feel so blessed to have seen Diane when I did.

Even though Diane was in a lot of pain she was still very determined to live a full life & she still dragged me around everywhere to meet all of her friends. She was so full of stories & love & funny thoughts.

When I was in Taos I was filled with the hope & thought that everything would be Okay although I was there when Diane & Marco got the news that the "shadow" had grown & the 2nd surgery was proposed. I really felt that we would have more time. We talked a lot about the next time I might be able to come back & me bringing my husband Ricky so he could play music with her. She was so Happy that I had finally found the right someone to live my life with the same way that she had with Marco.

My mom & I lived with Diane on & off when I was a kid in Chicago, Wisconsin & Indiana.. One of my most favourite memories though from when I was a kid was when I was staying with my Grandparents in Mineral Point Wisconsin & it was the middle of the night & Diane & her old friend Megan showed up & asked my grandmother If they could take me for a few days, when we got out to the car I realised that they had 2 Labrador puppies with them! For a 7 year old that was the coolest thing ever, to have your Aunt come and kidnap you for a few days to hang out with puppies!

Diane was always the coolest ever, when I think of it now so much of my personality & taste is based on something Diane exposed me to at a young age, a movie she brought me to see, music that she played for me or the wonderful gifts she always showered me with when I was growing up,even the pizza I prefer comes from Diane.

In a way she was like a sister to me, Im just so sad that she wont be here anymore. I feel so sad that I chose to live so far away for so long but as I told my Mom today, I know that Diane wanted me to be happy, she always told me to look out for myself & do what I thought I needed to do.

For me the distance has made it pretty hard to come to terms with Diane's death, I have a feeling Im going to be coming to terms with this for a long time.

Someone posted a comment on a YouTube video" the good(the best) die young" and its so true in her case. I just cant believe it a lot of the time, but I can believe that her memory will always be alive & thankfully we have her beautiful music to always remind us of her & someday I hope to play it to my children.

It was always pretty awesome when someone, a friend or maybe someone I didn't know so well would ask if I had a famous sister or aunt..my reply of course being yes!

I feel so grateful that Diane & Marco had each other, as I sit here & try to hold it together writing this I think I have so much more to say.. Im so proud that I had an Aunt Diane,someone that was so wise & magical.

Even though these last few years have been so hard for Diane& Marco Im so grateful they lived in such a beautiful place with a lovely home surrounded by people & pets that cared for them. Im so glad I got to experience that with them for 2 weeks last Thanksgiving. What a very special time it was.

I hope its a beautiful day in Taos with lots of laughing & love & most importantly lots of Chai…

Im sorry that we cant be there with you, My Mother-Diane's sister, has been with us in Scotland during these last 2 months & I speak for her, my husband Ricky & myself when I say thank you for being there, thank you for all loving Diane & supporting her & Marco & thanks for your continued support for Marco. All the love we have been able to see all over Facebook means so much to us being so far away.

March 2011.

house!

I looked over my last post, and yes, pretty grim.

Things are looking up, and down. So far this 2011 buisness has been pretty rough. I totally over did it in January, work pretty much put me over the edge, but thats partly my fault. Trying to get "it" all done before my Mom came proved pretty pointless as "it" never ends.

I lost a close family member last week, which not only sucks but double ass sucks cos Im not to close to most of my family. Im gonna write somethen about that soon, and get it out there,up here and around.

Edinburgh is actually managing to produce some semi promising weather and I can feel spring coming, Ricky would maybe even say its here. It does something for the memory to have spring come, I like to be reminded of the very first time I went down to New Oreans, at the tender age of 13 I think it might have been. The world seemed very much alive then, So its good to be reminded of that feeling. Of course Bloomington feelings are strong during this time too, I can feel a trip coming on.. I miss America and the ones in it.

Recently I changed my job descrption, I traded the bar in for the kitchen & Im feeling much better so far, lets hope that lasts. I got really tired of dealing with the public, just to point out one of my issues. I have a bunch of visible tattoos and although this is no issue for me, having to explain them to conservative British people 7 times a day isnt exactly working out for me. Colin was right when he advised me to not get my hand tattooed just yet. Thanks Buddy..
So, feeling alot more comfortable behind the scenes, I am also doing lots of other things for the job, like learning about marketing and events,stuff that I think Im pretty good at.. Its kinda like throwing a party-just on a bigger scale. Im a natural fun haver so its all pretty easy.

I have yet to come to terms with some real long term goals in the UK other than continuing to immigrate. My Mom is here and that feels totally normal, it will be more lonely when she goes. Nice to be a 3 person team..

thursday...

I LOVE 7 up!!!!

happy new year.

I feel pretty depressed after the Holiday season of 2010...It is the first year I just didn't feel like I got into it-I didn't have the time.. Nothing has really improved afterwards either.
Somehow I guess I expected to get through it without feeling like I might have to check myself in to a hospital but I was wrong.

Apart from the usual work related boredom I have a pretty intense and sincere hatred and rage for pretty much everyone I deal with these days.. My managerial skills seem to have not returned with me from my Nov/Dec trip to America. I could care less to be exact. But don't mind that,I feel better and brighter things in store within my job so I take comfort in that and will look forward to new projects.

My most recent and nerve racking annoyance is that today I finally had more than a few minutes to look at our finances and this led to phone calls..I, as an American am not on the electoral roll thing here in the good old UK which makes it very difficult to be approved for any kind of credit card or loan or anything like that. I do however have Residency and a note on my credit report that explains I'm a US citizen and cant vote ( yet) etc etc-which in theory should be enough if one was dealing with an actual person instead of a computer!

However when speaking to several different customer service people related to the various financial institutions I contacted today I was not able to get any sort of advice or even acknowledgement that they could help me apply for anything! I'm sure this does not even make sense? I guess to sum up my view for today- in my world here in the UK I don't feel like there is anyone to help me make decisions about anything. Somehow the people on the phones have never spoken to anyone in my situation, I don't know anyone in my situation and no one I know seems to know anyone in my situation. I feel so alone sometimes here its unreal, as in I cant believe this is happening to me..I would not change it though- my husband who is my best friend is here and my reason for being here, but really-is there anyone out there that can answer any number of the questions and concerns I have?? All the people I might ask questions to normally don't live here,haven't lived here and dealt with this stuff.

Do I really have to try again to join the Internet forum for Americans living in the UK? Please say it ain't so,they are so "forumy" and I am so not-I have tried,believe me!

So, Its another rare day off almost past and virtually no progress has been made towards sanity or relaxation..more tears shed and more feelings of isolation from the British public,more telephone scripts read to me from India... The doctors office doesn't even tell you when it reopens on the voicemail!!!
The snow shut everything down, Christmas and then Newyear shut everything else down yet somehow we,the little people are still expected to get to work and work through the entire Holiday season and beyond!!
It seems to be just a little bit more than I can take today, or yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
But I guess I will try again cos I cant give up yet, Ricky made peanut butter cookies and with the discovery that Betty Crocker sells vegan fudge frosting at tesco things might just be looking up?